Get comfortable and start talking about mental health

Mr. Giovanni Colonna is a warranted counsellor and a member of the Malta Association for the Counselling Profession. He holds a Master’s in Counselling with Distinction from the University of Malta and has over ten years of experience in mental health care across Italy, the UK, and Malta. His approach integrates person-centred and psychodynamic principles, focusing on self-awareness and emotional growth. Giovanni provides counselling for young people, adolescents, and adults. He speaks English and Italian.

Finding the Right Mental Chair for Conversation

It is Time to Talk Day in the UK today, 6th of February 2025, and this year’s theme is “Get comfortable and start talking about mental health”. I must admit that I find the wording quite interesting because it evokes in me the suggestion that sitting comfortably can help ease into a conversation about mental health. While I do not doubt the importance of sitting down as this surely opens the space for the body to slow down, to relax, so that focus can be directed to the conversation at hand, I am drawn to wonder about the quality of the space needed by the mind to start such a conversation. What mental chair can accommodate the mind to slow down, relax, and open to a conversation about mental health with a family, friend or colleague?

Shifting from Talking At to Talking With

As a counsellor, I am trained to sit in that chair, to embrace the best possible mental space I can at any given moment and be open to receiving whatever the client brings. For as much as I know how important this is, I also know how complicated it can be. I had to work hard on myself as an individual, as a family member, friend, and colleague, to be able to find the most comfortable chair to accommodate my mind when taking the counsellor’s seat—and, be reassured, it is a never-ending process. How do we think about mental health? What does thinking about mental health mean to us? What attitudes do we hold toward the value of mental health in our often hectic and demanding lives?

In the early years of my career in mental health care, I operated under the belief that, as a professional, I was supposed to hold knowledge and answers. I understood my role as that of talking to clients rather than talking with them, under the illusion that I had some sort of executive power to put plans and actions into effect for them. I soon learned that I was working under a false assumption—that psychologically vulnerable individuals are somehow incapable of making choices or knowing what is best for them, and that the only way to help them overcome their difficulties was to impose resolutions on their lives (Miller & Rollnick, 2013).

The Impact of Our Words on Mental Health Conversations

From both personal and professional experience, I see this same attitude in our daily interactions. With the best of intentions, we often try to encourage people to move past their struggles by offering solutions or advice. However, in doing so, we may unknowingly invalidate their experiences. How many times have we heard phrases like: “You have nothing to worry about, these things happen, and you just need to get over it,” or “I think your problem is that you overthink too much; you just need to take it easy”? While these statements are often meant as encouragement, they can leave the other person feeling misunderstood and, at times, even guilty for struggling in the first place.

In my work, it is not uncommon to hear clients say, “I try to speak with them, but they do not understand what I am going through and make me feel even worse for not being able to just get over it.” This leads me to wonder—are we aware of how our words may be impacting the people we are trying to support?

Embracing Openness and Suspending Judgment

As we pause and reflect on this, we may want to consider how our beliefs and assumptions influence the way we talk about mental health. Becoming aware of our own perspectives allows us to avoid imposing them on others, which may otherwise leave them feeling unheard or judged. By acknowledging that our understanding of a situation is shaped by our own experiences, we can create space for the other person’s perspective. Instead of saying, “These things happen, and you just need to get over it,” we can reframe our approach: “I can see from my experience how these things can happen. My way of dealing with them is usually to carry on and not give them too much importance. What do you think might work for you?” Carl Rogers, the father of Person-Centred Therapy, described this attitude in terms of acceptance, stating:

“It involves as much feeling of acceptance for the client’s expression of negative, ‘bad,’ painful, fearful, defensive, abnormal feelings as for his expression of ‘good,’ positive, mature, confident, social feelings, as much acceptance of ways in which he is inconsistent as of ways in which he is consistent.”

— Rogers, 1957, p. 97-98

It can feel challenging to offer this level of openness. One might ask, “How can we accept things that we know are bad? Shouldn’t we try to correct them?” Instead of viewing acceptance as agreement, we can think of it as a suspension of judgment—not necessarily supporting a particular belief or action, but also not allowing our judgment to prevent us from fully listening to the other person.

Listening: The Most Powerful Tool for Talking

I must admit, I find it meaningful to think of getting comfortable in the right mental chair as embracing the opportunity to listen. Listening, despite seeming passive, is often the most powerful tool in a conversation about mental health. It may be surprising to realize how feeling listened to can encourage a person to talk more and how listening is the only true way to understand the person we are speaking with. In my experience, effective listening requires willingness and courage—the courage to let go of the role of the expert, to accept our own vulnerabilities, and to be open to learning from the other person.

So, get comfortable and start listening: